When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
You Might Also Like
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
adam and eve had first world problems
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger