What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Tastes like chicken.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Note to self: I am a note
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.