[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
shut up and take my money
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.