So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
every. time.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.