Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
This is amazing.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
This hospital has everything
Who chose this font
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA