Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
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[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.