Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
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*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Werent we promised soylent green by now?