restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
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I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws