My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
is it earth
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.