Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Seems a bit forward
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?