WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
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I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.