During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
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The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.