Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”