In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
You Might Also Like
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
i meant to share this earlier
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
🙄😏😂🤣
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.