Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
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ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket