Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
You Might Also Like
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore