To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
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Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.