*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
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so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Ha
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased