FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*