“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
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The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
when someone rings the doorbell
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.