9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
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Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
He-man has a Masters degree
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds