Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
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Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.