popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
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I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages