My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
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Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Blew my mind.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them