Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
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My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
At least try to make it slightly believable
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.