Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
no
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I like long walks away from everyone
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta