(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
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Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
The USS B port
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
#merica
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About