Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
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The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.