Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.