Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
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What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.