Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
what’s really going on
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war