maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
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My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Every haunted house movie:
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I like long walks away from everyone
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
FINE, I WON’T.