This has made my week.
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I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*