[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today