Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
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1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Selfie
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti