Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
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I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
do what now??
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman: