*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
thanksgiving in nutshell
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Effort made
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.