Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Seductively sings in Klingon.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!