please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work