Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
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I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
see you in hell you stupid fruit