Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
my retirement plan is braless
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Every time my phone rings
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Why I divorced her.