Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel