food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Holy shit he’s back
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo