If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Good boy 😂😂
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out