stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
You Might Also Like
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
You sure about that?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.