me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I’m calling the cops.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?