Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
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It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Bloody internet 😳
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena