Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Dance like you’re not the father
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.