When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
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Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
This fish is cracking me up
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST