Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Every work meeting this week
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.